No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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