I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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