how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
