cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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