I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
