they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
