I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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