I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Is Oprah even human
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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