I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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