you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
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