Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
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I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
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I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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