Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
