Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
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Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
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I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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