Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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