You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you traded sex for a burrito?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
