Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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