he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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