wakey wakey hands off snakey
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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