remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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