He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
