The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
