I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
