I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
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You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
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Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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