A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
