I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
