I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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