My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
last night I used snow as a chaser
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
