Whatcha textin bout Willis?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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