My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
