I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
