My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
