Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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