A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i love accidental penises.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
3pm strippers are depressing
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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