I'll bet she douches with gravy.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
