you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
