Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Blood and glitter go together right?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
