I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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