How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
