My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
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My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize