hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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