can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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