I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
