i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
