She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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