Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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