I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
