I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Randomize
