Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
