not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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