Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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