a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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