Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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