I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My penis needs a shock collar
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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