For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
