I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize