Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
