i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
