Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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