eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
